Common Relationship Conflict Styles and Their Antidotes
Dr. John Gottman, a prominent relationship researcher, identified four conflict styles that are commonly seen in relationships, but are ultimately unhelpful. But don’t worry, he also identified their “antidotes.”
Keep scrolling to learn more.
Conflict Style #1: Criticism
Criticism shows up in the form of subtle or overt attacks on your partner, such as, “Why can’t you be more considerate?” or “You’re such a slob, why can’t you pick up after yourself?” Criticism tends to attack who your partner is as a person, rather than sharing how you are impacted by their actions.
Conflict Style #2: Contempt
This is the most toxic form of conflict and biggest predictor of divorce. Contempt involves intentionally trying to hurt your partner through name-calling, mocking, bullying, moral superiority, etc. Examples include, “Wow, you’re so lazy” or “It’s like I’m talking to a child right now.”
Conflict Style #3: Defensiveness
When you become defensive, it signals to your partner that you’re not hearing them and often causes the issue to escalate. For example, “How is this my fault that the dog got out of the yard? You forget to close the gate more often than I do.”
Conflict Style #4: Stonewalling
Stonewalling typically occurs in response to experiencing heightened emotion. You may emotionally shut down, withdraw from your partner, or become silent.
Antidote #1: Gentle Start Up
Talk about your feelings using “I” statements, such as, “I’ve been feeling stressed about how messy the house is recently and I’d like us to divide the chores more evenly.” In this way, you’re clearly expressing how you feel and requesting what you need without attacking your partner and provoking defensiveness.
Antidote #2: Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect
Regularly communicate feelings of appreciation, gratitude, and respect for your partner. In this way, you build up a buffer of positive feelings in the relationship so that when you do have a complaint, your partner is better able to hear it and address the concern.
Antidote #3: Take Responsibility
Rather than taking it personally, be open to hearing your partner’s perspective and try to see where they’re coming from. Ask clarifying questions if you don’t understand. Take responsibility for any portion of the conflict that you genuinely can.
Antidote #4: Self-Soothing
When you feel yourself shutting down, call for a time out so that you can self-soothe. During this time, do something that helps you take your mind off the conflict. When you feel calm, you can return to the conversation with your partner from a more grounded place.